90s Retro is Rubbish

TheDevineMsKai
Originally uploaded by JungsPN

I figured since we had a photo of Ms Low, a photo of Ms Kai was in order. It really is a wrestling thing. She's just...Leilani Kai. The best.

I had a really strange night last night - I was thrown out of a pub called Irish Murphys for being sick in the toilet (I had some pineapple stuck in my throat and a pain in the guts, but I didn't know it was summat that got you thrown out) and ended up, after a long sulk, at a place called The Telegraph. Now, I can generally define a pubs demographic in seconds, but this place really should be more popular - it seemed really nice and comfortable, a bit cramped, but that's OK. I'd imagine they'd let you be sick in peace at least. There's a pool table, a big TV, and no faux house music. I approved, but that's not the point of this post. The point is, the only drawback was it was very very young and trendy, and I'm old and a bit washed up. I can remember most of the best experiments on the Curiousity Show, when people had to write a letter, and when phones were plugged into the wall. That makes me seem a hundred to people who aren't old enough to remember the day before the Iphone. But don't worry, I've already come up with a plan - I'm going to make myself a 90s retro throwback, and start going out in British Knights, Joe Bloggs and FILA boots. My favourite footballer will be James Manson, and I'll write on Spicers Paper. It's all set, I've got the clothes ready to order on Ebay. I also had one of the truly worst fashion items of all the 90s, a war style leather jacket with a furry collar that, when you turned it inside out, had a map stitched onto it. A map of wartime Germany. Never mind bringing Sexy Back, if someone brings that back, they are definitely in my good books.

There is certainly a rationale behind this - I found out today that Claudia Schiffer is apparently in hot demand again. Clawdja, as her support group in Burnie used to call her, is now 38, but getting heaps of work due to "women wanting mature models", but it's probably more to do with 90s retro suddenly coming in, almost without me noticing. I was just getting over the 80s retro. Clawdja was my idol when I was much younger, althought I knew someone more obsessed than me, someone with a scrap book of great Clawdja photos. I read online (and I can't find it again sadly) that mid 90s Cindy Crawford potboiler Fair Game is now considered a "cult classic" akin to Showgirls in some circles. Beverley Hills 90210 is coming back with Jennie Garth as a councillor. Peter Combe, late 80s and early 90s Wiggles Prototype, is now considered really trendy, and is singing Toffee Apple to bored uni students. It won't be long until I end up at Syrup (pending getting a punch in the head) and the DJ spins some Indecent Obsession in a fit of 90s retro panic. And Sea FM, our lovely local pimp my DJ radio station, play not only 9 minutes of the 90s, but a 3pm 90s pick me up. So you can see with all this going, I'm hoping that my popularity with the ladies will increase when I become a genuine 90s throwback. I might even wear some vintage era AFL Vivid jackets. Those things were golden.

To think, I remember when the Late Show used to mock Countdown and Hall and Oates for being date, and now, that was 16 years ago, and people could mock The Late Show for being dated. Or the Hollowmen, man, that show is awful...

However, if 80s retro taught me anything, it really is that the wrong things are remembered - mostly either the rubbish bits (mullets, Billy Idol, rubbish old Hall and Oates clips, stupid Live Aid) , while no one remembers the good bits, like the Curiousity Show, My Secret Valley, Taurus Rising, the brilliant local version of World Of Sport where Peter Gilligan gave out cartons of orange juic and the last golden era of local football. You can get Full Frontal on DVD, but where's Ron Barassi's world? No one champions the last era when kids could run around and hurt themselves without an entire park being shut down. I'd love to open an 80s playground/park with flimsy unsafe rides and monkey bars 20 feet off the ground. I have this awful fear that if full on 90s retro comes back, it'll be the really rubbish stuff everyone in the AGE champions - Dinosaurs, Jewel, Jennifer Lopez, Talking Footy and that Eric Bana sketch show with Poida. No one will champion, say, the great work of Nikki Buckley, blog favourite Jodie Low, the news reading skills of local legend Diane Massey, 4 Quarters with John Barnes and Sandy Roberts sitting by the fire, and of course, a time when the best looking tennis player in the world was soccer mom Amanda Coetzer. I can promise you somehow Conchita Martinez will get a mention, but that show where Bruce Macavenay tried to make 8 sports documentaries in a month.

I'm not sure what this upcoming 90s retro era will bring me, but as someone who lived through the era, I guess I get to play my part in defining the retro comebacks. I suggest we make an icon out of South African cricketer Merryck Pringle, Collingwood great Frankie Raso, and of course, Leilani Kai. At least in the 90s, you could be sick in pubs...what's the world coming to etc, grumble, shakes angry fist...