Friday, June 20, 2008

Kevin Rudd says don't binge drink, so here's a PSA

Originally uploaded by JungsPN

This blog, even though no one knows it exists, has probably started to consume my thoughts. Instead of thinking about my job, I was thinking about Falkirk, and instead of looking at blue eye shadow girl, I was simply looking to see if she was there, so I could write about it. No dice, although librarian woman in the book section was there. Which was a shame, I really wanted to read one of the books that were in there. No matter.

What I do want to write about is a little bit of tourist advice for anyone coming to Hobart. Hi, how are you tourists? Welcome. Now, you'll find that you can't smoke in any pubs in Australia. Australia isn't Amsterdam after all. The brothels are very well hidden (except the weird one in North Hobart). Our government has recently announced here that they class drinking 4 mid strength beers as "binge drinking" and you should probably consult the approved pamphlet to advise you on how not to drink or end up in a New York strip bar with Rupert Murdochs #2. Now, our prime Minister Kevin Rudd hasn't really got an identity yet, and starting a "war" on something is as good a way to do it. This is not to be confused with a war on terror. John Howard has his war on guns, Paul Keating on racism, Bob Hawke on poverty, and Kevin Rudd has a war on binge drinking. This has spilled over to another of my home towns, Burnie, which now has a pact against anti social behaviour and drunks. One guy even said he would never serve anyone who couldn't pronounce the drink they wanted - a real bugger for anyone from Smithton. Ah, that's not the Burnie I know. Frankly, it's only a short step away from drinking being banned in pubs, like smoking is (don't laugh, it could yet happen). Is this what the diggers fought for (etc etc)?

Luckily, Hobart tourist, you don't need to be caught up in this nonsense. I've compiled a handy guide to our pub scene - and more importantly, who will serve you when you are drunk. Don't tell Kevin Rudd, he'll be on the phone and then the Mercury will write a think piece that doesn't involve the premiers ring (on his thumb). Honestly, tourists of Hobart, if you are drunk at 3am, I hope one day you read this and remember this handy cut out guide to the people who will serve you, and who won't serve you,

#8 - Montgomerys - Now, you'll only go here if someone thinks karaoke is funny or amusing. However, this is the strictest of all bars. I saw a man try and prove his sobriety by reciting a nine times table - no dice. No service. Then they refused all his friends on the grounds they might buy him a drink. Still, they let any old drunk sing on the karaoke machine. Avoid.

#7 + #6 - Isobar and Syrup. The trick to this, since these are the last places most people go in Hobart in the early hours of the morning, is to get round the bouncers. They'll punch you in the head quick smart when all you think you've done is give them a hilarious quip. The ideal way to get around these thugs is to get your hand stamped for entry when you are sober, and then race in later on past them. It's easy to get served when you are inside, due to the darkness and everyone dancing to Dave Dobbyn - but don't vomit on the floor or bring a whistle, the pre-pubescent 15 year olds don't like that (and incidentally, if you are 15, and a girl, ignore this, you'll get in even if you are being propped up, Weekend at Bernies style).

#5 - Customs - How can I put this politely. Um...the barmaids in there are not the sharpest. Also, if you play any kind of sport, you can pretty much hit someone over the head with a stool and get a drink. However, they do have real bastard bouncers - I once saw a blonde with big breasts get in wearing a hooded top, and then some guy with the same top banned...what am I saying? That's spot on bouncer work. Basically, if you get served by a male at the bar, the night is over. Another trick, go upstairs where the poker machines are. No one is there, you'll get served easily. It can go either way.

#4 - Irish Murphys - If a band is on you can hide in the corner and get served easily as long as you are standing up, and buy Guinness - I haven't seen anyone ever refused service, although the bouncer matrix/stamped hand dilemma is again a problem. Don't make jokes about to be sure though, they'll throw you out for that.

#3 - Central - They are so greatful anyone is there after 7pm, they ply you with drinks, but, they do (or did) have the hottest barmaid in the whole of Hobart (you know who you are), so if you drunkenly sleaze onto her, you get thrown out. A trap for younger tourists.

#2 - The Casino - Now you are talking. They turn down no one, no matter if they can't pronounce "beer" or "rum". The vast space of the place lets you hide in the poker machines, and if sport is on the big screen, it's a festival of fun. There are no bouncers, just guys who get you a cab on the door. However, it is boring as batshit, unless you want to hook up with a gambling addict granny. It does have a creepy David Lynch feel too it at times, but hey, you're drunk tourist, what do you care?

And the best place to get served when you really shouldn't?

#1 - Tacos - yes, a good old Mexican restaurant hid at the end of the wharf, they serve fishbowl margaritas the size of your head. No responsible serving of booze here, just lap it up with a straw son.

I hope this has helped you, confused tourist. Keep up the good fight.

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