Sunday, June 22, 2008

It's still real to me dammit

I mentioned a couple of posts ago about my inappropriate crush on Leilani Kai, the female wrestler. I probably shouldn't say inappropriate, that's entirely the wrong wording - and to be honest, on the Internet it seems anyone can considered beautiful, and it's really really weird, you just call it a fetish and you are in the clear. There was a brilliant documentary on Australian TV a few years ago about guys who like girls with amputated limbs, so liking a female wrestler seems oddly tame. If you saw the original Dawn Marie wrestling, you'd know that fancying HER was a little odd, but she had blue eye shadow...I think I'm sensing a pattern. However, when I first started watching wrestling it wasn't Ms Kai or Ms Marie that I remember. It was, in a purely kid friendly way, the Hulkster, the man leading the Hulkamaniacs, Hulk Hogan. Hulk was the champion, mentioned 200 times an episode on Superstars, and everyone loved the big lug. I got a bit cynical after a while and started hoping Mr Perfect would beat him down, but when the evil Sgt Slaughter put a "Hulkamaniac" through boot camp and beat the fan up, boy, there were some loud shouts for the Hulk at the TV from my house.

Now the last few years haven't been kind to the Hulkster. His daughter had a pop career that completely died (and out of spite, another wrestler, Jillian Hall, does a thinly veiled impression of her) and his son is in jail for crashing a car and paralyzing his passenger. He's tried to put his side of the story to the media but has come off really badly. His wife has left him for someone the age of Sharrod Wellingham, he doesn't have much money, and he can't wrestle due to injuries. The only man he could work for, Vince McMahon, hates him. Worst of all, he tried to get in on the grill market and compete with George Foreman, but his grill blows up as soon as you look at it. It's really difficult to believe in the training, the prayers and the vitamins when his grill can't even toast a muffin.

What I've been wondering since his awful appearance on Larry King is - does anyone anywhere still believe in the three commandments? When I was growing up watching wrestling, Hulk Hogan would always say that it was important that the teeny Hulksters followed the three commandments of Hulkamania - training, prayers and vitamins. He later added a fourth, believing in yourself, but that was unecessary flab. I wonder if anyone out there is in a Hulk Hogan shirt, working out in the gym every day, saying prayers to God at night, and taking clean, healthy vitamins to keep in shape. And the reason I was wondering was because I told by a friend of mine that he took some tapes around to his cousins house to loan him, and his cousin was dressed in full Hulk Hogan singlet, headband and wristbands, and was pumping iron to Real American. They mutually made eye contact, and as they did, they silently made a note to never mention the incident again. I just wonder what that cousin is doing now, if he still believes in the training, the prayers and the vitamins. I find it really endearing that people believe so utterly in their childhood heroes, and then find out almost entirely without fail that they were actually pretty ordinary human beings. But then, I still seem to do it. Dale Thomas has started to let me down on a weekly basis, but it's only because I expect him to kick six goals every week. And I'm 29 years of age. I don't think I live through the commandments of Dale Thomas, good hair care, nightclub appearances and having 1 good day for every 2 bad ones, but I could try, but I shouldn't be putting anyone on a pedestal at my age. Let alone Hulk Hogan.

Maybe I should till believe in the lovely netballer Natalie Avellino, and the pre match commandment she said after a netball game once - "Yeah we done shot pretty good". Truly, truly inspirational...

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